This is Ken's second time getting clean, but it's the first time he's gotten professional help. The first time getting clean he moved to a new city and didn't have any contacts. He had been clean for about two years before he relapsed.
We have been together for a year and a half. I agree that love won't magically overcome all. I also agree that there need to be boundaries. I just don't know how to set them. I'll have to be able to justify them to myself and him if I'm going to follow through with the boundary setting and consequences.
I would like to hear what you have to say about the following: Do I need to commit to being 100% sober if I am asking that of him? I drink socially maybe once a month or less. Our friends don't know the situation. Should we just say we're not interested in drinking or how do you approach that?
He says that his smoking marijuana is just his way of enjoying himself, just like when we drink (before relapse) socialize and dance occasionally on the weekend. He likes smoking better than drinking, it doesn't give him a hangover, and it's better for him, he says. He hasn't started smoking again, but he says he will smoke some in the future.
His biggest argument is that alcohol is just as much a drug as weed, so why the double standard. It's a valid point. I guess I just feel more comfortable with the once-in-a-while drink with other people. I don't like the idea of getting high alone or getting high alone and then going to hang out with other people. It seems messed up. I think it is also easier to gauge your level of intoxication with alcohol. The story with pot is always, "I'm not that high, I'm just gonna finish the bowl or whatever he's smoking out of." Next thing you know he is out of his mind high.
This is new territory and I'm bound to make mistakes. When so many relapse, it doesn't seem logical to stay with the person if you swear to leave them when they do relapse. That's like staying with someone you know you plan to leave, which I don't understand.