Boundaries: In Desperate Need of a How To Guide

This is Ken's second time getting clean, but it's the first time he's gotten professional help. The first time getting clean he moved to a new city and didn't have any contacts. He had been clean for about two years before he relapsed.

We have been together for a year and a half. I agree that love won't magically overcome all. I also agree that there need to be boundaries. I just don't know how to set them. I'll have to be able to justify them to myself and him if I'm going to follow through with the boundary setting and consequences.

I would like to hear what you have to say about the following: Do I need to commit to being 100% sober if I am asking that of him? I drink socially maybe once a month or less. Our friends don't know the situation. Should we just say we're not interested in drinking or how do you approach that?

He says that his smoking marijuana is just his way of enjoying himself, just like when we drink (before relapse) socialize and dance occasionally on the weekend. He likes smoking better than drinking, it doesn't give him a hangover, and it's better for him, he says. He hasn't started smoking again, but he says he will smoke some in the future.

His biggest argument is that alcohol is just as much a drug as weed, so why the double standard. It's a valid point. I guess I just feel more comfortable with the once-in-a-while drink with other people. I don't like the idea of getting high alone or getting high alone and then going to hang out with other people. It seems messed up. I think it is also easier to gauge your level of intoxication with alcohol. The story with pot is always, "I'm not that high, I'm just gonna finish the bowl or whatever he's smoking out of." Next thing you know he is out of his mind high.

This is new territory and I'm bound to make mistakes. When so many relapse, it doesn't seem logical to stay with the person if you swear to leave them when they do relapse. That's like staying with someone you know you plan to leave, which I don't understand.

Thanks,

-addictsgf

Sober-ish

Ken has finished his outpatient recovery program. He is planning to stay sober for a few months. We disagree on his drinking and marijuana use in the future.

He thinks it is OK for him to use "every once in a while." When he says this he is speaking not of oxycontin, but of alcohol and marijuana. I'm more worried about the pot than the drinking. Neither of us are big drinkers, so I don't foresee that developing into a problem. He seems obsessed with getting high. He used to use pot to self medicate, but says he won't do that again. This time he will just use it for recreation. I am terrified that it is going to start out as every once in a while and get more and more frequent. I have lived that movie and have no desire to take part in the sequel.

He doesn't want to talk about how often "occasionally" is. I think I could live with once every few months, but once or twice a week is a lot. It started out, "I won't buy it, I'll just use it sometimes when it's around" and now it's "Well, I'll have to buy it, it's not like it's just going to fall from the sky every time I want it." I am so scared that this is a slippery slope. I already feel us sliding down.

To some extent, I feel like, if it is just for recreation and you know it upsets me, then why is it worth it? If your love of pot is greater than your love for me, and you say it's not an addiction you're mistaken. It is a problem when you start picking a substance over anything. It is scary to me that he doesn't recognize it as a problem.

I am anxious to see what the future holds for us. I pray it's not filled with fights about pot.

-addictsgf

Guilt

Can I hang out with my friends? Can I go to the bars with them without looking like a hypocrite? I don't think it's good for him to drink, smoke pot or do anything that might set him on the path to relapse. The problem is he doesn't think he has a problem with alcohol or pot. It's kind of crappy that I can go out and have fun and he can't, but at the same time our circumstances are different. I am a little afraid if I go drinking without him he might decide to do it at home, because he can.

Is he going to be jealous of my getting to drink? Should I be concerned about this? On some level, my life must go on. I don't drink much or often, but do I have to swear off it forever? It's confusing.

-addictsgf

Lonely Road

My friends don't know my boyfriend, we'll call him "Ken," is an addict and going through rehab. It's not the kind of thing you can tell just anyone. Friends, bless them, tend to talk to each other and before you know it everyone is up in your biz.
Abusing narcotics is dangerous and socially even more unacceptable than alcoholism. Ken's struggle is very personal and he doesn't want everyone to think of him as a screw-up. I get that, but sometimes it is hard for me to deal with everything on my own. From time to time I need to talk things out to settle my thoughts and reaffirm that I am sane.

My mother knows of Ken's problems. However, it is not appropriate for my mother to know the details of my relationship. They say mothers have trouble forgetting the bad things people do to their children and that's usually what they end up hearing about most. If this is going to work, I don't want to have to defend my decisions or Ken to my mother. I can't and don't want to talk to her about the small disputes Ken and I have over whether or not he should smoke pot after he's done with rehab. I can't explain to her all the aspects of withdrawal and their affects on me. If she knows too much, she feels like she needs to ask questions and worry. Her questions just upset me and her worry does me no good.

I'm thinking I need to spend more time talking to a friend or two that don't live here. I need to talk to someone and if they blab a little to people that don't know us it's not the end of the world. I frequently find myself wondering if in the end it will have all been worth it. It's painful, but if I run from every relationship challenge, I'll end up with no one to share my life with.

The friends, family and especially significant other of an addict are isolated from their support systems when they need them the most.

-addictsgf