Thursday, February 17, 2011


Ken has finished his outpatient recovery program. He is planning to stay sober for a few months. We disagree on his drinking and marijuana use in the future.

He thinks it is OK for him to use "every once in a while." When he says this he is speaking not of oxycontin, but of alcohol and marijuana. I'm more worried about the pot than the drinking. Neither of us are big drinkers, so I don't foresee that developing into a problem. He seems obsessed with getting high. He used to use pot to self medicate, but says he won't do that again. This time he will just use it for recreation. I am terrified that it is going to start out as every once in a while and get more and more frequent. I have lived that movie and have no desire to take part in the sequel.

He doesn't want to talk about how often "occasionally" is. I think I could live with once every few months, but once or twice a week is a lot. It started out, "I won't buy it, I'll just use it sometimes when it's around" and now it's "Well, I'll have to buy it, it's not like it's just going to fall from the sky every time I want it." I am so scared that this is a slippery slope. I already feel us sliding down.

To some extent, I feel like, if it is just for recreation and you know it upsets me, then why is it worth it? If your love of pot is greater than your love for me, and you say it's not an addiction you're mistaken. It is a problem when you start picking a substance over anything. It is scary to me that he doesn't recognize it as a problem.

I am anxious to see what the future holds for us. I pray it's not filled with fights about pot.



  1. Don't let him do that stuff. Everything he does is going to be done to the extreme. He is clearly dependent upon pot for some kind of release or pleasure. Go for 100% sober with no "just this once" moments. He has a problem, and the solution is not more recreational drug use.

  2. By the way, not the harp on your life, but you need to give him serious choices and consequences. Love does not overcome all of life's challenges, especially when it comes to addiction. Ever heard of the phrase "loving to death"? When your unconditional love overcomes your rationality, that's when everything falls apart. When you see your boyfriend on drugs suddenly your love for him ends up making excuses and creates irrational wishful thinking.

    Love him, but not to death. Don't let your love enable his drug usage. If he's going to choose to do drugs and be with you (to maximize his pleasure right? You + Drugs = max happiness) then he's ultimately going to have to make a decision and face the consequences. The more chances you give him only further let him know that he can continue to make bad choices without serious consequences.

  3. Oh and one more thing. If this is his first time getting clean, he's going to relapse. I promise. It will happen. He's going to do oxycontin again. Expect it.

  4. Thank you for your comments. This is his second time getting clean, but the first time he's gotten professional help. The first time getting clean he moved to a new city and didn't have any contacts. He had been clean for about two years before he relapsed. We have been together for a year and a half. I agree that love won't magically overcome all. I also agree that there need to be boundaries.

    I would like to hear what you have to say about the following: Do I need to commit to being 100% sober if I am asking that of him? I drink socially maybe once a month or less. Our friends don't know the situation. Should we just say we're not interested in drinking or how do you approach that? He says that his smoking is just his way of enjoying himself, just like when we drink (before relapse) socialize and dance occasionally on the weekend. He likes smoking better than drinking, it doesn't give him a hangover, and it's better for him. He hasn't started smoking again, but he says he will smoke some in the future.

    This is new territory and I'm bound to make mistakes. When so many relapse, it doesn't seem logical to stay with the person if you swear to leave them when they do relapse. That's like staying with someone you know you plan to leave, which I don't understand.